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Ozzie Gets A Talking To

I know it’s not nice to psychoanalyse little boys when they haven’t asked, Ozzie, but these tantrums of yours are just getting ridiculous and I’m going to have to give you a piece of my mind. Now, it is true that your Mum said she wouldn’t be making you do anything to help out around the house and now she’s saying she’s changed her mind. It’s not unreasonable to have some negative feelings about things like that, but you have to try and understand that, now that Mum has invited Brownie Windsor to stay, Mum and Brownie have to decide things together so you’ll just have to get used it. And it is not ok to call Brownie a kiddie-fiddling pinko pillow muncher under any circumstances. I bet you got that off your father and don’t even really know what it means.

And while we’re talking about your father, you have to understand he’ll say anything to drive a wedge between you and your Mum. Remember him telling you your Mum was no good with money and you’d lose your paper route and your piggy bank would disappear in the middle of the night? Well none of that happened did it? So the idea that you helping out a little tiny bit with the housework will result in you having to share the house with hordes of towel heads and the power only being on when it’s a really sunny day and there aren’t any dirty bombs going off, while it appeals to you because you’re a typically lazy and selfish little boy, well that idea could be all a big porky designed to scare you away from your Mum.

And I know you’re sick of the sound of your Mum’s voice, with all her nagging about responsibility and getting a good education and preparing for the future. It reminds you of being a bit younger and her making you slip slop slap and you were thinking ‘how could the Sun hurt you?’ Your Dad still says, only the other day in fact, ‘nonsense, a bit of sun won’t hurt him.’ I don’t mean to be hurtful Ozzie, but your Dad is an idiot who still thinks the World was made 6000 years ago. And even though he acts like a working class bloke, he’s a total snob who’s forever trying to curry favour with the local business club.

I know, I’m sorry, don’t cry, your father means well. He’s just a bit misguided because he’s angry. He had all these plans for the place and now your Mum and Brownie are doing things all different and he’d rather tear the place down than see it in their image. But if your Dad is being childish, Ozzie, that means you have to grow up a bit faster yourself, start thinking for yourself, and stop being so easily lead by every little whisper of fear and dread that slithers out of your Dad’s lipless mouth. It’s time to accept that you, your Mum, Brownie, you all have a responsibility to look after the place and hopefully leave it a bit better than you found it.

Ok, so Ozzie, I want you to stop crying now. There’s nothing to be afraid of, and if there’s some bumpy track ahead, there’ll be less to be worried about if we get ready and all do our bit now. So I want you to go home in a minute and tell your Mum you’re sorry and you forgive her and give her a big hug. Then I want you to find Brownie and give him a solid hand shake and apologise for being so rude and say you’ll do your best to get on in future. And then you can do your chores and your homework like your mother said and you can all have a nice dinner together, ok? Good boy, wipe your nose, that’s the boy.

Now, Mr Abbott, if you’d like to come in please? I’ll just get my cane ready, please take down your pants and assume the position.