Gertrude’s Diary #72 – Ask Gertrude

Gertrude's Diary

Following hot on the heels of my hints about the ancient art of darning, and harking back to various other instructive instalments”(how to talk about emotions, how to make marmalade, how to eat breakfast like a 7 year old, how to feel good about your self image) I’ve decided to offer my services as an advice column.” I’m sure many of you have hankered to anonymously expose your most troubling concerns to the derisive scrutiny of the reading public.” Now, with Ask Gertrude, you can be mocked and derided in a digital form – and it’s free!

To give you a few ideas about what to expect, I’ve put together some sample letters:

Dear G, My ex is a holier than thou, domineering, thoughtless, selfish, crazy,”interfering bastard.” I just want to be left alone to spend time with my daughter.” What should I do”? Signed, Desperate of Ainslie.
Dear Desperate, I suggest that you engage in a long, expensive and harrowing court-battle, that will ultimately drain your savings, steal the last shreds of your fading youth, and destroy your sanity or reputation.” Or you could run away.” G.

Dear G, I hate my job; my supervisor is a crazy, domineering, threatening sociopath.” What shoud I do”? Signed, Oppressed of Wanniassa.
Dear Oppressed,”Create an elaborate raffle scam that gives your supervisor a”free holiday to fantastic Tuvalu or somewhere.” Your co-workers might contribute to the costs.” Try to arrange the visit to coincide with the typhoon season. G.

Dear G, I’m concerned that my life is spiralling out of control, that I’m making dreadful decisions about”every aspect of my career and domestic situation, and that I’m going to end up sad, lonely and embittered.” How should I deal with the constant existential battle”? Signed Jean-Paul of Gungahlin.
Dear JP, I suggest you start an advice column.” G.

You too could benefit from this kind of wisdom.” You don’t get that sort of compassionate insight”from just anyone,”you know.” Look out for details of how to get your questions to me… once I’ve made sure it’s not actually illegal.

Disclaimer:” Real problems require real answers from real professionals.” But nonetheless, please feel free to write to me with your problems for a stupid answer from an unqualified pretender.

3 Responses to “Gertrude’s Diary #72 – Ask Gertrude”

  1. Hi Gert

    Here’s one for you. I am a compulsive volunteer, unable to restrain myself from stepping in to help with every disagreeable, unpopular task that comes my way. I currently coach two soccer teams, help out on school fund-raising barbecues with dreary regularity and am a regular at committee meetings for various educational and sporting groups because no-one else wants to go. How can I force myself to adopt the same self-centred attitude as the majority of other parents? How can I stifle my inner-helper?

  2. Dear G

    Your innate sensitivity and modest demeanor will undoubtably qualify you well to offer advice to such poor desperate souls that make up the readership of loadedog. I myself am offer in need of guidance, for instance only this morning I was unable to move from bed due to an overwhelming attack of “what does it all mean?” which was subsequently followed, after my first coffee, with the usual monday morning sensation of yet another week down the gurgler.

    My question to you is not can you help or offer some insight because I KNOW you can, but rather is there a secluded and forgotten tropical island that I can get shipwrecked on and be forced to spend the rest of my life living on fish and coconuts?

  3. Dear GertBySea,
    You’ve really got the "can’t say no" bug bad. Drug and alcohol addiction can certainly help you to stifle that helper, and you while you still won’t be able to say no, most of the time you won’t be able to say yes either. An alternative may be to drop hints to your fellow parents. A5 printed hints that you can slip into their children’s schoolbags. Suggest to them that we are a community and their efforts are required too. Tell them it’s an idea you got from the 2020 conference.

    Dear QedQed,
    Freud told his followers to follow their deep currents, and perhaps yours will lead you to the lonely paradise you crave. I say; be careful that deep current isn’t a terrible rip that’s about to drag you to a watery death. How will you get through Monday morning on the tropical island without coffee?

    yours faithfully
    Gertrude