Jesus Would be Pleased

‘Well, we all get up at 5:30am and shower thoroughly, shave all crevices, brush our teeth, and apply perfume and/or sweet smelling lotions. We then sneak back into bed smelling all fresh, where we proceed to wake up our husbands up with oral sex.  After morning sex, we go make a three-course breakfast for our families and send everyone off to school/work. We attend aerobics/pilates/kickboxing classes weekly to keep up the cardio, and we eat protein bars to help sustain us. We masturbate five times daily to keep our drives up, and then we have a gourmet dinner ready when our husbands come home from a long day’s work. We then give our husbands a foot rub while they watch the game on TV. During half time we have sex again and then we wash up and retire for the night. Isn’t that how it works at your house?’

I think it’s pretty safe to say it doesn’t happen like that in our house…

The above comes from a web site called Christian Nymphos – Marital Sex: Spicy the way God intended it to be. Therein we learn that Christians, far from their stereotypical image of prudish frigidity, are getting freaky in the bedroom and even, shock horror, other rooms and in positions other than the missionary. The CN girls give advice on sexual technique, as well as theological advice such as, since anal sex isn’t mentioned in the Bible, it’s ok to do it with your hubby.

Sluttiness is next to Godliness – got that all you Christians. Rimming isn’t sinning. Speaking in tongues? Such cunning linguistics.

As with all things Christian, the fun has to stop somewhere. Generally this involves involving anyone else in the fun, which from my perspective takes a lot of the fun out of it. Nevertheless, it’s nice to think that our Christian brothers and sisters are enjoying a little more than lying back and thinking of John Howard.

PS. I’m pretty sure the quoted paragraph is ironic, in case the feminists amongst you were outraged by the stepford tone. It seems Christians can have a sense of humour as well.

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