A late question for the candidates

It has been nigh on impossible to ignore the US Presidential Election for the last… fuckin how long? Although I’m sure you haven’t all been as masochistic as I have. I’ve attempted to watch all of all the debates, tried to read all the commentary in all the newpapers and periodicals (really, all of them) and scoured the internets for polls, tidbits, trivia, minutiae and a bit of how the other side is thinking.

So, you know, my knowledge of this election campaign is as encyclopaedic as if I could see the White House from my very doorstep. And the thing that’s missing for me in all this grand theatre of democracy is one simple question. Not who designed Sarah Palin’s suit. Not whether Obama once had sex with Mata Hari. Not whether the candidates believe in an imminent Armageddon… No wait. That was it. I really think it’s quite pertinent that we know if the next leader of the ‘free world’ believes in an imminent Armageddon. You know, where plague and pestilence, fire and brimstone, all that horrible stuff Christians are so good at making up, is going to subsume the Earth, but only after all the good Christians have been elevated off to Heaven or somewhere.

Because if you believe that stuff, then I reckon it’d have to have a pretty big influence on some of your policies. In that context, climate change is just part of the plan and slogans such as ‘drill baby drill’ make great sense. There would be no need to worry about massive overseas debt either. Send the bill to heaven, suckers. Any need to consider the long term relationships you might have with countries of other faiths? Pah!

Once you start thinking this way, you find it solves a lot of problems. Assuming you’re a good Christian, which I am. The rest of you, forget it. You’re fucked. So anyway, please ask the candidates that question, and the one who says they believe in imminent Armageddon and will do all in their power to bring it on, that’s the one for me. Now forgive me, I have to go and sodomise a goat.

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