The Problem with Men and Women.

There’s a lot of rubbish floating around the collective psyche about men and women and how we interact, or fail to. For example: Men and Women Can Never Really Be Friends. Which is bollocks. Even if you do end up shagging once, twice, or a few times, what’s to say you can’t wind up friends after all’s said and done? Some of my favourite and longest running friends with penises have been those whom I shagged in the distant drunken past, and it generally takes a careful search of the memorybank to remind me that it happened at all.

I blame much of this misinformation on stupid magazines who tailor too much of their material to the almighty demographic, rather than to people as individuals. Your cleo-cosmo-dolly girl-fodder, your fhm-zoo-loaded mc-messages. Never mind common sense or a little old-fashioned introspection: Quick! Take this Quiz and find out if you’re Too Clingy! or better yet: Is He Cheating On You? 20 Sure-fire Signs he’s Doing the Dirty.

And as for the boys magazines – Puh-LEEZE. Have Her Cumming Back For More: 120 Sex Tricks Guaranteed to Rock Her World. One Hundred and Twenty? Way to confuse a boy. Many of these tips seem to have been gathered by careful observation of the kinds of women who pay for a pizza delivery with their mouths. Any time you see sex-tip lists in a men’s magazine, there’s always some stupid, undignified and anatomically difficult suggestion such as:

#106 The Double Jeopardy: Place her in a headstand, and grasping her hips, brace her knees against your thighs. This position allows for super-deep penetration and maximum thrust – you’ll send her into orbit! Try this one with your back to a wall for extra support.

Yeah, that or zero gravity you fuck-tard. Here’s a tip: stop getting your sex-tips from lists compiled by guys who watch too many pornos. The women in those films are being PAID to look like they’re having a good time, no matter what. It’s not good ‘cinematic’ flow to stop two thrusts in and say “Actually, I’ve a crick in my neck and all the blood rushing to my head is making me feel dizzy…and when you slam into me like that it feels like you’re ripping me from V to A, if y’know what I mean”.

In all my years of fucking and being fucked to a greater or lesser degree, I can tell you now that the sex-tips a man needs (and I really mean NEEDS) are these:

1: Most women don’t like to tell you outright if you’re doing it wrong. This is partly due to shyness, but mostly because you’re sensitive souls and if you think we’re criticising you, you won’t play. Which would be crap, because we’re both trying to get laid here. So pay attention, take the non-verbal hints. Here are the two biggest ones:

2: If you’re merrily banging away but find your woman is kinda, slowly, edging away from you so you have to chase her up the bed with your willy, it’s NOT because the force of your thrusts (oh, yeah!) are so manly and powerful and delicious she’s being literally ‘moved’ by your potency. It’s because you’re either being an insensitive jackhammer or you’ve got the angle or rhythm all wrong and she’s trying to get into a more comfortable position. Or maybe just away so you can start again. This is not your cue to do whatever it is you’re doing harder and faster. Just try something else, and gently, until she’s kinda, and not so slowly-or-subtly, edging into you.

3: This a simple one. If she moves your hand to a certain spot on her body, don’t move it back to where it was. Leave it there. And use it. For more than ten seconds, too.

That’s it. Seriously. Because, lets face it, if your basic sex is a bit lacking, turning your lady upside-down is hardly going to improve matters. And surely they’re not too difficult to remember.

If you have a willy and you’re reading this, don’t feel picked on. Here’s a bunch of tips for the girls:

Don’t be a freaking psycho:
if he is cheating you’re better off without him anyway, so no great loss, in the meantime the more suspicious you are the more likely he is to think ‘fuck it, I might as well’. Unless you’re involved with Shane Warne, in which case you know what you’re in for and must be blind or a shameless gold-digger because the man looks like surf’n’turf in a wig with a stripe of zinc.

Stop hating your body:
it’s fine as it is but if you don’t like it, do something about it. Skinny is neither the answer or the enemy. At any rate, be thankful for what you’ve got and that it moves you around this earth and can bring pleasure to yourself and others. So show it some love, do enjoyable things with it, dress it up and pamper it. And then share the results.

Comments are closed.