Gertrude’s Diary #90 – Dress Up

Myself and my colleagues at POQ Software were recently advised by our glorious leader that unless we made some effort to dress up for our Christmas Party then we would be given the task of answering questions in the support queue at 8 am on the Monday following our Sunday night event.  With this in mind the social club coordinator sent everyone this link, describing how we should dress for black tie events.  There was another one for the gentlemen.

I hate that shit.  Why?  Why must we parade around like lords and ladies in some lavish European palace when in actual fact we’ll be boarding a motor launch and slowly pootling around a small artificial lake in the middle of a far-flung, ex-colonial outpost stuck randomly on a lonely area of savanna, scrubland and swamp?  I don’t get it.

Anyway, I guess I’ll have to take myself off to St Vincent De Paul or another of our excellent retailers of second-hand  clothes and see if I can find myself some suitably lengthed frock – it has to be floor length apparently.  That’ll be fun for tripping over as we totter up the nearly vertical stairs leading to the upper deck.  In high heels.

And check out what it says for the proper material for a dinner suit:  boys, you have choice between finished or unfinished worsted wool.  Perfect for 6.00 pm in the full afternoon sun at the end of a long 38 degree summer day.

But I should admit, I was inspired by this level of detail.  Here’s my list for suitable attire in case you find yourself at one of my get-togethers.  And I think you’ll find there’s none of that pretentious shit when you party with moi.

1.  Select a style which makes it easy to climb security fences.

2.  Consider the material and texture.  Silk, satin, embroidery, beads and rhinestones are likely to be completely ruined when you’re standing around a smoking 44 gallon drum.  I suggest something easily hosed down; industrial grade PVC perhaps, or hardwearing gabardine.

3.  If you decide to wear a beaded stretch top and a slim velvet skirt then fuck off to Academy and stop bothering me.

4.  Choose colors that complement your surroundings.  Vomit yellow, bile green and Carlton brown may all be suitable.

5.  Select a bag of appropriate dimensions.  Black-tie events are no place for roomy handbags.  Gertrude events are no place for lipstick and ID.  All you need is a bottle of overproof rum, a compass and map, a bottle-opener, approximately $100 in small notes, 2 packets of cigarettes and a disposable lighter, a small mirror, cigarette papers, some chewing gum, a muesli bar for that 5.00 am sugar-crisis, and the phone-number of your solicitor.

3 Responses to “Gertrude’s Diary #90 – Dress Up”

  1. You’re my type of gal Gertrude

  2. Two packs and smokes.. what are the papers for then *hrrrm*

  3. The cigarette papers are for a nice, wholesome game of Celebrity Heads. You secretly write the name of someone famous on the paper and then stick it to your friend’s heads, and they ask questions to work out their identity. Such jolly fun. Then, when you’ve finished, you whack a big lump of the old combustible in the paper and fire her up. Note: you must inhale.