Gertrude’s Diary #97 – Letters Never Written

I’m often outraged by public displays of stupidity and prejudice, but my natural inclination towards inertia interferes with my resolve to write letters to the authorities.  Thankfully, the need to fill a weekly blog with whatever boring drivel comes to mind has inspired me to write them here.  Read on:

Dear ABC Programming Staff,
Late last year my daughter became interested in a show called Scorpion Island which was aired for several weeks during the hours dedicated as ABC Kids.  A ‘Survivor’ type show tailored to appeal to children, the program pitted different teams of pre-pubescent boys and girls against each other, in various tests of daring and physical endurance.  While this sort of reality television appeals to me about as much as having a manicure with a chainsaw, I was happy to indulge 8 year old Wildflower.  That is until the penultimate epidsode in which a boy and girl were competing in a stupid climb-the-post-and-capture-the-flag type activity.  The girl won, and after the competition the hosts gathered the teams around them to discuss the event.

“So,” they taunted the young chap who lost, “beaten by a girl eh?”

I thought this sort of pointless sexism disappeared in the 1980’s.  In order to address this terrible slight offered to all right-thinking people, I suggest that the man in question have his genitals ripped off and stuffed down his ugly throat.  This would give him the opportunity to see what it’s like to go through life with out a dick.  He might learn something.  And even if he failed to gain any insight from spending the rest of his life sitting down to pee, it would make me feel a hell of a lot better.

Yours sincerely
A Concerned Parent

Dear British Visitors,
While attending a party held to celebrate Australia Day I met a visitor from England.  He had all the hallmarks of puffed up self importance common to members of a once-great nation clinging to the last tattered remnants of colonial glory, but I was prepared to forgive him his arrogance because he was a visitor and perhaps didn’t know better.

That was until he started to suggest that Australia had no culture and we were all of us ignorant barbarians, crude copies of the great and good of Europe.  I’ve heard this many times before.  My own stepmother – who has lived here for 40 years or more and raised a family to prosperous adulthood – has often been heard to complain about how much better everything is in England.  The food.  The transport.  The weather.  The trees.  The Christmas decorations.  The people.  The buildings.

May I suggest to all visiting Brits who cannot enjoy our hospitality that you all just FUCK OFF BACK TO OLD BLIGHTY AND LEARN SOME FUCKING MANNERS.

Yours sincerely
A Disappointed Host

Well, that’s enough complaint for one day.  Please feel free to leave any comments in the space below, and don’t be afraid to take issue with anything contained within the post.  As long as you realise I have the power to delete or even edit comments.  For instance, you might like to write “Geez you’re a grumpy old cow, Gertrude.  Why don’t you move to a lesbian separatist community where you won’t have to encounter a bit of honest, good-natured blokey humour?”   Well, you may like to know that I can edit that sort of comment to say “I have a brain the size of pea”.

Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

One Response to “Gertrude’s Diary #97 – Letters Never Written”

  1. I have a brain the size of pea