Gertrude’s Diary #100 – Delusions of Grandeur

I know it’s going to come as a bit of a shock, but it’s my duty to inform you that in honour of my 100th diary entry, the leaders of the world’s peoples have all decided to make me the boss of everything.  It started with Kevin – who’s quite frankly cheesed off by what a mess he’s inherited from Howard – and it just snowballed from there.  Even the most obscure splinter groups have agreed to give me total executive power.  I was as surprised as anyone, especially since I still haven’t yet overcome the various behavioural disorders I suffer from.  I know a lot of people are going to complain about it, but all I can say is it wasn’t my decision and these aren’t people you want to fuck with. So, given the circumstances, I’ve cobbled together the following manifesto – mostly on the back of paper napkins and beer-soaked music flyers.  I’m working on an international anthem too, but so far I haven’t got any further than, “That climate change ain’t gonna stop, unless we all walk to the shop”.

1.  I’m really sorry, but from now on, there’s going to be no fossil-fuel driven transport. Buses are permissible, and freight services, and emergency vehicles, and urgent transportation of life-saving materials: blood and still-beating hearts and stuff.  But that’s only until they have time to find a solar or wind powered replacement.  You know those colourful whirly-gig, wind-catcher things they sell at fairs?  I want a few of them on top of every bus.

I hope people won’t see this as a big deal.  We can still have Summernats and all that kind of thing, but people will just have to push their cars around the track.

2.  There will be no more armaments of any kind, manufactured anywhere, ever again, and no one is allowed to fire a weapon without my written permission.  I apologise if you’re in the Olympic Shooting Team:  you’re just going to have to convert to archery.

3.  All governments, terriorist organisations, and religious movements are going to divert their military spending towards the following:
sustainable agriculture
wind and solar power networks
psychologist services
whatever else is necessary to sustain life without oil and coal.

4.  I love the Hunter Valley and there are many fine coal miners all throughout the world, but I’m afraid we have to give up the whole coal thing.  In fact, all remaining fossil fuels have to be left in the ground.  But don’t worry, no-one will be out of work:  ex-miners and drillers can all tend the enormous orchards and gardens that will be grown instead.  It’s a lot harder to grow things without oil-based fertilisers and pesticides, so obviously we’ll need every able-bodied person just to feed ourselves.

5.  Private televisions will be outlawed, but live local theatre will be cultivated with heretofore unknown generosity.  Likewise music and other arts.  We will tell our stories in the places that count.  We will remember our own truths.  We will sing our own song. Once a year, we’ll wheel out the enormous flatscreen (which we’re still paying off) so that we can listen to a broadcast of the best of the world’s songs and stories, and every voice will be heard by all who have learned to listen.  [cue whale noises and plinky plonky music]

6. Every local precinct (of an area and population to be determined) will have a community garden and/or self-sufficiency plan.  Everyone who is able will be expected to work at it.  Likewise the community kitchen, the community laundry, the community nursing home and the community bathroom.  If you’ve never come to grips with the realities of the human body, now’s your chance.

7.  Everyone has to be poor but don’t fret: there won’t be any stigma attached to it.  And if no one is rich, then nor will anyone be starving, cold or ignorant.  There won’t be a lot for anyone, but there will be enough for everyone.

8.  Go outside now and look around you.  Do you see people?  They are your brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandmothers, grandfathers,  daughters, sons.  Treat them that way.  See the psychologist if you’re unsure of the meaning of love, kindness, selflessness and committment.

9.  All dwellings have to be retro-fitted for energy efficiency, and new buildings that rely on artificial heating and cooling will be outlawed.  Evil, greedy, crazy, capitalist-freakoid-bastards are advised to buy shares in teepee and igloo companies.

10.  All the indigenous people of the world who have been bullied from the gentle, wise and humble life that walks a narrow line in balance with nature get to say “I told you so!” to the corporate, industrial, colonial juggernaut that got us into this mess in the first place.

There were another 10 rules written on the back of a receipt from Aldi, but I screwed it up and threw it away when I saw a picture of a car worth more than a million dollars.

2 Responses to “Gertrude’s Diary #100 – Delusions of Grandeur”

  1. Quite the reign of terror you’ve got planned.

    Leaning heavily on the prior work of Pol Pot I see.

  2. Pol Pot, you reckon? Initially I was put off by the 1 million dead Cambodians, but once I read the following quotes attributed to him, I had to admit we have a lot in common:

    * The only good bourgeois is a dead bourgeois.
    * I’m quite modest. I don’t want to tell people I’m a leader.

    I was hoping to come across like a mutant hybrid of Mary Poppins and Bill Mollinson, but this is much better.