Gertrude’s Diary 101 – Survey Course Part 1

Gertrude is 101 this year.  What a coincidence!   To celebrate this synchronicity of events, I’m releasing this following review of all my diary entries so far.

  1. Gertrude can see Black Mountain tower from her house.
  2. Gertrude’s shed is full of other people’s crap.
  3. Gertrude once went to a school reunion and made jokes that her old classmates still didn’t get.
  4. Gertrude is sometimes perplexed by modern technology.
  5. Gertrude does not like football, nor any form of televised sport.
  6. Gertrude thinks advertising and marketing are laughable professions.
  7. Gertrude likes Canberra.
  8. Gertrude doesn’t like traffic and is sometimes nostalgic.
  9. Gertrude sometimes prattles on and on about nothing at all.
  10. Gertrude thinks Jenolan Caves are neat.
  11. Gertrude got pissed at the Polish Club.
  12. Gertrude does not like government campaigns that promote fear and xenophobia.
  13. Gertrude has on at least one occasion gotten her nose out of joint over nothing at all and is known to be sentimental about the Australian Labor movement.
  14. Gertrude thinks that Summernats is culturally insensitive and an act of environmental vandalism.
  15. Gertrude fell in Lake Burley Griffin on Christmas Day, and had to eat her lunch on Springbank Island wearing her undies and a borrowed shirt.
  16. Gertrude’s next door neighbour once tried to hose her son off the roof, where he’d spent a happy afternoon throwing furniture onto the concrete below.
  17. Gertrude once shaved all her hair off.  She stopped wearing turtleneck jumpers because she already looked like a turtle – no hair and a wrinkled neck.
  18. Gertrude thinks Wedge-Tailed Eagle is a stupid name for a bird.
  19. Gertrude went to a beautician and found that it was uncomfortable and quite painful.  And the beautician made Gertrude’s eyebrows look sort of mean and surprised.
  20. Gertrude once went to Switzerland and people could not understand what she was saying.
  21. Google ads can be funny, and Gertrude thinks it’s nice to make marmalade.
  22. But only if other people congratulate her and don’t make nasty remarks about her jam.
  23. And if Gertrude then makes fun of the people who said mean things about her marmalade, they will complain about her to the editor.
  24. Gertrude still likes Canberra.
  25. Gertrude enjoys craft but isn’t very good at finishing things.
  26. Goats can be fun to walk around with, and Gertrude once took a picture of some goat testicles shortly after they were separated from the goat.  She put the picture in her blog.
  27. Gertrude’s favourite movie was on at the cinema and the projectionist was drunk.
  28. Gertrude wears ugly clothes.
  29. The black dog sometimes visits Gertrude.
  30. Gertrude has found the American banking system to be all but impenetrable, and has noticed that citizens of the USA do not know very much about Australia.
  31. Gertrude should get off her arse a little more and stop spending so much time in front of a computer.
  32. Gertrude plays charades and drinks whiskey and is afterwards filled with shame and regret.
  33. Gertrude once again prattles on about the inconsequential minutiae of her dull, little life.
  34. Gertrude was not allowed into the pub where here twin sister was celebrating her birthday because she was too drunk.
  35. Gertrude had a birthday party and thought it was some kind of big deal.
  36. Gertrude’s still banging on about that party.
  37. Gertrude’s car is old and falling to bits.
  38. Someone once paid Gertrude to write something and she lives in hope that it will happen again.
  39. It sometimes gets cold in winter.  Gertrude cannot ski.
  40. Gertrude’s daughter does not like porridge.
  41. Humility is important to Gertrude but not important enough that she just shuts up about it.
  42. Gertrude thinks trust is important too.  She’s a proper little philosoper.  Move over Thomas Aquinas.
  43. Gertrude celebrated Australia Day by writing a stupid quiz, and several people left comments about it.
  44. Gertrude writes a short piece from the perspective of a housefly.
  45. Gertrude is obviously running out of inspiration and is doing that whole “crap on about nothing” thing again.
  46. Gertrude is cleaning the house.  Again.
  47. Gertrude muses about her school days on the mean streets of Parramatta.
  48. Gertrude is not really Gertrude’s name.  She complains again – this time about the dangers of bicycle riding.
  49. Gertrude’s twin sister beats her at scrabble.
  50. Horse-racing is dangerous. Sometimes horses get the flu and Gertrude speculates that this makes them irritable and lethargic.

On reviewing these entries I’ve been struck by how very boring I am, and apologise to regular readers who have had to read the dreary details of my tedious life.  Add to this my consistent complaints and disparaging comments, and all I can say is, I’m sorry.  I’m really sorry. So very, very sorry.  Actually, no, I take that back.  It’s all your fault for reading my blog, for producing the insistent pressure to week after week come up with some tired little prose for your amusement.  Well, I’ll show you.  You think this is boring?  I haven’t even started boring you yet!  Just wait till I start describing my dreams and reporting on my tarot readings and rune casts.  Then come and talk to me about boring.  Hah!

(next week:  An Apology and Gertrude’s Survey Course Part 2)

3 Responses to “Gertrude’s Diary 101 – Survey Course Part 1”

  1. Our fault? Your boring blog is our fault? Insistent pressure? Oh you poor thing, life must be hell for you as you turn on the screen and ruminate about life. Jeez some people…

  2. qedqed! you’re back! I thought you’d abandoned me entirely on account of how boring my blog is.

    Of course it’s not your fault. It was a silly, childish outburst, trying to escape the responsibility which falls squarely at my own feet.

  3. please please please…

    no dreams…