Gertrude’s Diary 105 – Why, How, Who, When, Where

Not content to fill your screens with trivial inconsequentialities, I’ve decided to share with you here a list of difficult and possibly unanswerable questions that I’ve contemplated recently or in the past.

  1. Why doesn’t the electricity leak out of the powerpoint when the switch is on, and sort of soak into the carpet?
  2. How do people who use the word “fu@&” in every sentence express their extreme displeasure?  Do they say “Dash it!” or “Cripes” when they’re really upset?
  3. Who exactly did Marcus Einfeld annoy that the cronies’ network let him down so badly?
  4. When will I grow up and start behaving like a responsible adult?
  5. Where am I going to get the money to pay the rent next month?

I know you’re probably curious about my own ponderings on these questions, so read on.

  1. I have Bill Bryson to thank for introducing me to this question in his excellent book Notes from a Small Island, but I don’t really wonder about it – I mean how dumb would I have to be?  It’s obvious that the little men who live inside the appliance jump out through the plug and herd the electricity down the wires.  Electricity is notoriously shy and retiring and will naturally try to avoid exposure to light and air.
  2. One occasionally encounters these people on public transport, hanging about at the shops, or – in my own unfortunate case – living next door.  However, as I cannot understand their strange dialect of Fuppenfuppenfup I’m unable to discuss the subject with them.
  3. I expect he was one of those people who will never buy anyone’s raffle tickets or chip in for going away presents.  There’s always at least one in every organisation.  And he probably ate all the choc-iced donuts at morning tea, too.
  4. Sigh.
  5. I’d love some suggestions on this one.  And if anyone knows of a position vacant that requires the ability to write about anything at all, please do let me know in the space provided below.  My talents also include baking very tasty banana cake and ignoring the housework to pursue pointless art and craft projects, read books and watch old episodes of The X Files.

Well, I’m off now to eat cake and watch Fox Mulder talk about his need to believe in aliens.  At least it keeps me off the streets.

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