Gertrude’s Diary #110 – Alien Abduction

Thanks are due to Vladimir for suggesting the topic for this week’s instalment of Gertrude’s Diary.  He wants to know why it is that aliens seem to abduct only obscure, uneducated or disreputable people, when presumably their quest to understand humanity would be better served by interviewing our leading talents in the arts and science.

I did a little research on this topic, and farmers do seem to be over-represented.  Loggers also are likely candidates for abduction.  Of the eight documented cases I identified during my research (an hour or two on wikipedia), two separate incidents concerned forestry workers, and at least another two incidents involved abductions from forested areas.  Maybe the aliens are actually a race of super-intelligent philodendron, and they were trying to talk to the trees:

“Greetings tall, woody, life-form.  Would you like us to remove these annoying primates that are seeking to crush the very fibre of your being and turn it into something with which to clean their waste besmeared bottoms?”

But no.  Other information provided by abductees suggests that the aliens are interested in examining the human race.   Betty and Barney Hill claim that they were abducted while travelling through a forested area of New Hampshire.  Their stories have been written off as the consequence of vivid dreaming, or the result of stress associated with being an inter-racial couple when such things were rare.

In the face of this skepticism, Betty reproduced a drawing of a star-map that she said she had been shown by the aliens.  A comparison of the drawing with the Gliese Star Catalog identified the galaxy of Zeta Reticuli as the aliens’ home.  Another camp of astronomers insisted that the star-map identified a different star system.  What I can’t get over is the fact that these scientists spent some considerable energy on debating the subject.  I can just picture red faces, white coats and calculators at 50 paces.

“No, no, no.  Zeta Reticuli is far too poor in metals to ever nurture a civilisation capable of travelling these distances.  The aliens are far more likely to originate from somewhere near the base stars Epsilon Indi and Epsilon Eridani.”
“Are not!”
“Are too!”

The Pascagoula Abucution of 1973 occurred while two shipyard workers were fishing.  Tapes of their subsequent interview by police give weight to the men’s belief that something awful had happened to them; the fear and sincerity in their voices is unmistakable.  But they described the aliens as having lobster claws for hands, which to me suggested an uncontrolled guilt at killing our fishy cousins that had somehow been conveyed into a sort of shared fantasy.  That’s what I thought, anyway, until I read on to learn that the aliens had no facial features such as we know them, but rather three carrot like protuberances for nose and ears.  After that it was all a lot more convincing.  I’ve seen those guys too, but usually only after I haven’t slept for a few days.  I thought they were hallucinations.  Boy, was I wrong.

Robert Taylor, a forester abducted while at work in Livingstone, Scotland, in 1979, was able to show his clothes as evidence, pierced as they were by the aliens metal probes.  The article on his abduction stated that UFO researchers are holding his trousers to this day.  Must make things kind of awkward when he’s having a slash.

But all this detail does nothing to address Vladimir’s question of why the aliens aren’t abducting Stephen Hawking or Dame Kiri Te Kanawa.  I thought long and hard about this.  I’ve always considered alien abduction to be the invention of attention-starved neurotics.  But having read so much convincing detail, I think there can only be one explanation, and that is: the brilliant and talented among us have already been abducted, and their genius is a result of alien intervention.

That being said, I recommend that everyone take out one of these, just in case.

Next question, please.

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