Gertrude’s Diary #113 – Spooky Medicine

I’m late with my entry this week, but I had a GSW come in with a sucking chest wound and falling blood pressure. Then there was the MVA with head trauma and a suspected sub-dural haematoma.

Oh wait. That wasn’t me. That was one of the 23 episodes of ER I watched on DVD. It’s well known that we have a shortage of qualified medical personnel in Canberra, and I believe that with my recent experience I could now diagnose most things. Well, certainly I could diagnose a gun shot wound or a motor vehicle accident. And I’m pretty sure I could intubate someone. It’s practically a do-it-yourself surgery lesson.

“Nurse! Get me an IV of morphine. And you’d better do something for the patient while you’re at it.”

I also indulged my love of the X-Files with a marathon 25 episodes, including those I’d never seen before when Scully was abducted by aliens and the one when Mulder had it off with a vampire. Outstanding.

And did you know that Fox Mulder watches a lot of porn movies? Well, he does. I missed that fact when the series first came around on television. I probably wouldn’t have had such a crush on David Duchovny if I’d known that Fox was such a big perv. Government employees degirding their loins to the strains of commercial sex? Errrk. If I wanted to see that I could just go to Fyshwick.

But I want you to know that this week wasn’t just all sitting on my arse watching DVDs. I also read several books: a good old Val McDermid whodunnit which kept me engrossed for many hours, and a look at American subcultures through the eyes of British journalist Louis Theroux. Among the other wackos he visited were the remaining members of the Heaven’s Gate cult, most of whom took their lives in a group suicide. Apparently one of the only shows on television they were allowed to watch was The X-Files. Does this mean I’m going to join a strange religion that believes its members will be taken up into the sky if they can achieve the necessary level of perfection? No, it doesn’t. I’m already a lapsed catholic anyway. And if anyone has heard of the Feast of the Assumption they’ll know Heaven’s Gate has nothing on the tykes.

I admit that this prolonged period of indolence is starting to wear on me, and I’m feeling the need once again for gainful employment. You know there’s something wrong when writing a blog is the biggest achievement of the week.

Anyway, forget my whingeing. If anyone is in need of investigation into the paranormal, or a bit of amateur medicine, do get in touch. I’m here at home almost every day, just waiting for your call.

2 Responses to “Gertrude’s Diary #113 – Spooky Medicine”

  1. I don’t know if it’s paranormal enough for you, but if you could explain why the children always drop something sticky on the floor as soon as I finish washing it, that would be great. It’s not quite up there with the question of where all the odd socks go, but it is perplexing, nonetheless.

  2. I believe that there is actually a mathematical expression for this, and nothing supernatural at all.

    X = ab squared, where X is the likelihood of something sticky hitting the floor, a is the relative cleanliness of the floor, and b is value of the flooring.

    This explains why the honey on toast will fall face up on the unwashed tiles, and face down on the precious Persian rug. I believe Douglas Adams may have addressed this issue at some stage, but I’m not sure of the reference.