Gertrude’s Xmas Message

Gertrude's Diary

As everyone knows, the Festive Season is a time for celebrating, a time for getting dressed up and making an impression. It is also a time of year when we can be subject to insecurities about our appearance. For those of you who may be experiencing doubt about your attractiveness to the opposite sex, I include here a few handy tips for feeling good about yourself.

Beer Goggles

One cannot underestimate the efficacy of these strange spectacles. When all else fails, an afternoon in the company of a case of Carlton Draught and a local lush is bound to help you give an impression of beauty and grace. Please note, it is very important not to mix your drinks or overdo it on the beer, because even the most passionate alcohol-fuelled attachment is likely to wither in the face of vomit. (Ed – See beer goggles in action here)

Dusty Mirrors

Simple, but effective. Also cuts down on tedious housework. If you wear eye-glasses, you may also find that smearing a little Vaseline on the lenses can help. This only really works if you are hoping to impress yourself with your own reflection, but it”s a start.

Choose your Friends Wisely

The Desiderata says that if you compare yourself to others you may become vain or bitter. But what about when someone else compares you with other people? And what if those other people are cursed with psoriasis all over their bodies, or severe alopecia? Who”s going to be vain or bitter then?


When all else fails, look for someone with thick eyeglasses ” or better yet, a white stick or guide dog. Then you only have to worry about whether you are witty, talented, interesting, or have some other attractive personality trait.

On second thoughts, might be better just to get a make-over. Or a paper bag.

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