Chiffon #26

Hello,

I am finding myself going through what can only be described as an Altered Attitude. This is the result of accepting the truth about my reality, and applying a rigorous and thorough honesty to everything I do (something I am not very good at yet).

Firstly I suffer a disease, ALCOHOLISM, and this has made my life unmanageable. In order to get what is left of my life back I have to change.

The first thing I have to do is become abstinent from the alcohol, but once I have stopped with the drink, I have to then learn how to live. This is the greater problem as I have nothing but a dysfunctional past with which to proceed with and it seems hard to fix a broken life with a broken set of tools, namely me.

To this end I must seek out like-minded people, and take the cotton wool out of my ears and plug up my mouth. This can be so difficult as always my first reaction is to dominate conversation thereby manipulating it to suit me. To give you an example of how easily I can fall into this trap, what follows is a prime example of selfishness designed to evoke sympathy and put myself on the high ground of this argument so read on.

Well here I am once again. What a fucking day I am having. Life is O.K. however I am getting pissed right off with the fucking turkeys that are walking around seemingly telling me what to do.

I, as you know, have been involved in an accident. More correctly I was hit by an insurgent driving a Humvee as I was turning right off Limestone Avenue into Euree Street. Now I was turning into a stop sign, so I had slowed down in order to execute this rather everyday maneuver when I was knocked further along by this vehicle.

I then proceeded to park my car (according to the police) in the medium strip and well off the road, got out and was proceeding to clarify whether the other driver was all right (I believe that is the correct thing to do) when I observed a very pregnant woman with mobile phone in hand (why) alighting from her Missile and a rather tall teenager getting out of the passenger side (he looked like he had issues).

I did not feel safe but a woman wearing a Pink jumper (the color of their gender specific uniform) intercepted me and immediately informed the pregnant woman that she had witnessed everything and was prepared to back her claims. I turned back and sat in my car and waited while shock and pain set in. No one except the police (when they arrived) spoke and then they asked me who had called an ambulance for me.

I replied that I did not know and thought to myself ‘thank God that one had been called’, however the police in their capacity as paramedics cancelled it and produced a breathalyzer which I blew into with great difficulty (by this time an asthma attack was having its way).

After a couple of goes they settled on a positive blood alcohol level and rubbing their hands together took me to the station where I was needed in order for them to complete their paperwork. I thought to myself that a blood sample could have been taken at a hospital if the ambulance had of been allowed to attend to me. They then let me go home where I spent some days suffering from the physical effects of shock and disbelief (why don”t they send her to Iraq).

My car is no longer drivable. I have a constant pain in the upper half of my back and neck which generally becomes a migraine on most days. I am receiving acupuncture twice a week in order to attempt to make the pain tolerable. It is painful to sit, stand, walk and exertion of any kind requires a huge effort.

I was dealt with by the court and have lost my license for eighteen months and received a good behavior bond for the same duration, with a number of conditions. I also had to and continue to thank the court as well as Mrs Schwarzenegger for their leniency and compassion.

I nearly bought into this crap, however someone who I have deep respect and admiration for pointed out my error. The reality is that I am bloody lucky that I did not kill someone . Further the reality is that I should not have been drink driving, end of story.

I would think we have all come up against this disease in someone we know if not ourselves, but it is hard to know when someone is going to relapse, thereby endangering themselves and or members of the community at large. This is the advantage of attending meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, as well as contacting an older sober member and working the Twelve step program.

For those who don”t identify with being alcoholic (a number of my friends indeed my family do) I have listed a number of symptoms of an impending relapse. They all are applicable to me.

I become over confident about my recovery.
I become preoccupied with one area of my life
I avoid talking about my problems as well as my recovery
I start isolating myself
I start day dreaming and wishful thinking
I avoid having fun
I begin blaming people and places for my problems
I progressively lose my daily routine
I develop aches and pains
I stop going to meetings
Negativity, blackness, death/suicide

I experienced all of these symptoms before my last relapse which involved me in the court system and believe me if you can avoid it, do so. Alcoholism is a life threatening disease and it is not funny. For me it is a life or death. I have a choice today.

LOVE Chiffon xxxx

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