Chiffon #115. Christmas Oh Nein


I have noticed that there is a red and white theme again this year. A bullshit time of peace, love, joy and happiness which is always dressed up in wrapping paper. And what happiness it brings? (sarcasm).

This year is a good time to exercise gluttony, sloth, envy and lust, which accompany any spirited Yule tidy thingy under the mistletoe, half pissed, trying to compensate for any shortcomings (or not) with Chrissie cheer, dribble, tinsel or whatever else you need. My favourite has to be the paper hats inside le bon bon, the western equivalent to the Chinese fortune cookie.

Whilst speaking of shortcomings, I have got to tell you also how much I am enjoying the conclusion to the Australian open golfing tourno that starred the Tigger with a lot of bounce, one Tiger Woods, billionaire sports star voted America’s best player, golfing worlds top athlete. Apparently it was discovered that he, Tigger, had picked up a few birdies more than the card showed and he is presently being savaged by his best friend, Pooh Bear, who is not happy because Ee Aw is also implicated and other forest creatures are coming out of the woods work and admitting fraternising with the till now immortal Woods. I must say it will make for a good bedtime read, the poor bastard.

Luck, Karma, or other peoples’ expressions of goodwill often turn out on the side of other people. Such was my recent journey along the Hume Highway the other day. I was travelling just past the Gundagai roadhouse along the newest part of the highway when all of a sudden blue red flashing lights. Police breathalyser, roadworthiness, license check and generally suck my dick stop.

Well, not being really desirous for Mister Plod to get close enough to smell the herb having been burnt, I realised I did not have any driver’s license on me nor indeed any documentation for me or the car, except the rego transfer papers into my name from my friend’s.

The thing that really annoys me with police is that due to their relationships with liars and cheats, they seldom believe you when they ask questions, and because you can’t provide ID they really choose to exercise their contempt for you and it just makes things stickier than usual. This was my case and I had to let the dog out of the car and she hates police people who wear dark sunnies (her issue). All the police were wearing dark sunnies and the dog was beside herself which was just as well because she was drawing attention to me and it was not good, however it worked. Everyone forgot about holding me up any more and I was free to leave with an eighty one dollar reminder to carry my license.

So have Chrissie new year and then get over it.

Luff Chiffon xxx

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