Gertrude’s Diary #6

Gertrude's Diary

I”ve taken up a little sideline business in writing on-hold message scripts. ‘What are they?’ I hear you (and every other person I”ve ever met) ask. Well, you know when you ring, say, the Ainslie Football Club? And you ask them to page your partner, who”s been there for 10 hours, and they put you on hold? And a voice comes on telling you about their Thursday Seafood Night or Lucky Badge Draw? Well someone has to write those things, and in this case, that someone is me. It”s not the first time I”ve done it. I”m not proud, I”m poor.

Today I”m writing something for a coffee company. These people seriously have the hots for coffee. I”ve never read such chest-thumping adverjabble* in all my life. They have a slogan, “not made, but born”. I”m trying to work it into the intro; “Thank you for calling Company X, where coffee is not made, but born. We apologise for the delay, and the caffeine psychosis.”

The thing is, I bet it sounds beautiful in Italian. Indeed, most of their promotional material offers an Italian version before the English. But what does it mean to say that coffee is “renovated in design” When I see these glossy brochures, I”m torn between thinking they are either ridiculous to the point of hilarity, or evil and insidious purveyors of capitalist brutality.

In the meantime, at least I get a laugh out of them. Until, that is, I have to decipher it into something that someone might actually want to know. About coffee. And coffee machines. And branded promotional items. Sigh.

You may remember from my last post, that I was working on a football-inspired interpretation of the Pina Colada song. Loadedog has offered a few suggestions, but at this stage I”m thinking that it might be an evil to be shunned by all right-thinking people. Oh the horror, the horror.

* adverjabble; n., I recently found this word lying unused on the edges of my vocabulary. I think we all know what it means.


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