Chiffon #127. Walk Against Want

Ullo,

No means no! And it is final, but it doesn’t have to be,  necessarily, a voice mentioned. What on earth do you ever mean? I replied, almost shocked by what I believed was being suggested. Well, when you are by yourself under the pretext of being busy, no one would know if you had a smoke, just to relieve the symptoms of giving up, you know. Yes that had occurred to me I snapped irritably, and I would know, I added and went on, you know, it is sort of self defeating. The aim of the exercise is no smoking. I sat in silence waiting for the voice in my head to have some snappy comeback, but there was no need, the seed was planted.

This was one of those thoughts that didn’t seem to have a place and it kept walking around in front of me as I had my coffee this morning, without my cigarette(s). This I found an itchy and unsettling time and, as a result, I decided to walk into the town and then the few kilometers up the road to visit my friend who happens to drink and smoke and watches the news on a variety of different television channels conseculativly all day. He doesn’t say much except ordnery! in answer to how are you? And shut up willya when I talk to loud and were you born in a tent when I leave the door open to air his stuffy front sitting room. Oh well! I love the boy.

As I was saying, about my walk, the first thing I noticed was how early it was. It had just gone past eight thirty and it must have rained sometime during the night. Everything had an ample sogginess to it and after five hundred yards I had managed to keep my eyes from scanning the footpaths looking for still viable cigarette butts (if they weren’t wet ) every ten or so feet, simply by looking anywhere but down.

After discovering a sun that was trying to shine, I started to settle into my stride and I arrived an hour later at my mate’s place. Needless to say I chose not to stay and I continued over to my other mate’s place who is conducting his own experiments. He must have been glad to see me. He offered me coffee. We went and sat in the sun. We started chatting. I reached out for my coffee and was surprised to see there was only a cup of hot water. Ohhh. We laughed over the silliness of it all, but I cant help wondering about my mate and his experiment.

I am now entering my fourth day and let me summarise my experience. In order to give up drugs, I realised, the addict, by his very existence, is a self centered selfish personality type, codependent and neurotic as well as a possessing a healthy sprinkling of dishonesty (manipulative). Not a good start for someone trying to revive a career, but essential to accept this in order to kick off on the right foot.

It is necessary to keep busy (distracted) and be mindful of yourself (humility). Unlike myself, you really must want abstinence and be prepared to go and get it, and then go.

Luff Chiffon XXX

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