Chiffon #128. The Rot Sets In


I… no no, not me, you must be feeling a bit like myself if you have been undertaking any kind of experiment with the giving it up thing and the walking against want thing and now the rot is setting in and what to do about it.

The premise for the following is simple. A  week ago I undertook to stop smoking for twenty four hours, admittedly just to be able to see what would happen? This situation arose because my cash flow had stalled and I had run out of cigarettes. Further I had been asked to produce a booklet type thing for my drug and alcohol counsel person a few days earlier. I grabbed hold of the opportunity as I wanted to express myself in and on a number of issues surrounding addictions.

I don’t think smoking dope and smoking tobacco or smoking cigars are much different when it comes to abstaining. One has to breathe them in and speaking for myself, this is the greater attraction. Don’t mistake me. I realize nicotine must have an effect, because it is a drug. However I like the mechanics, not necessarily the effects or the side effects of the drug. However I suppose we all have to assess our own deeper reason for smoko and or giving it up.

The other morning, somewhere in amongst my preparing for the day, I came across an image and I stopped to look and gaze back upon this image. It was staring at me at me and I rose to the challenge and stared my deepest intensest stare into those eyes. They weren’t unlike mine. As I was looking I thought I detected a question being asked by those beautiful eyes. Why do you ignore me? Look at what you have done to me through the life you have chosen to deal out to me?

I had to agree but I felt like smashing this cunt cause I knew they were right. It’s funny the people you don’t notice, but now that I had noticed I just wanted to make everything go away. For a face that didn’t say anything I was being confronted with a whole heap of questions. Fuck off! I thought and closed the door on the mirror in the bathroom, but I could not shake that silly little incident. Even as I had my puffers to make breathing easier, I shed a tear for the lost opportunities smoking had caused  but the tear was for the fact there was no one else to blame for  the legacy of forty odd years of smoking, other than me.

Really though it is not about regrets, it is about not smoking, it is about why versus why not. Oh once you stop and walk all day you might convince yourself that you are over it (this is bad) and there is no need to keep at it but keep it up for your own inner child. They need loving not abusing.

Luff Chiffon XXX


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