Letters from Prison #13

Letters from Prison


Gday P-,

How are you mate? What’s been happening? Well another week gone (this is starting to sound like a broken record). Well, I think I’ve finally realised that I’m getting old. I was playing around on Friday and I stretched a muscle in my lower leg. So I was limping around all weekend. Today I thought it was a little better so I went out to play cricket. I was out there about half an hour when I tried to catch a fly-ball. As I moved I felt something snap in my leg. It was like someone hit me with a bat. I couldn’t get up and had to get two blokes to help me back inside. They took me to the office where the screws made me sit down while they organised for me to see the doctor. A wheelchair was used to transport me to the clinic.

The doctor said that I may have torn the calf muscle off my leg. He gave me some panadeine, some pink pills called ‘Bugesic’ (I think they are antibiotics) & put an icepack on my leg. He gave me some crutches & told me that if it didn’t improve in that time I was to contact him and I might have to go into hospital. If so, then I will get a cat-scan and subsequently undergo surgery. God help me! I may never dance again!! So anyway I’m drugged up and limping around like a cripple. At least I don’t have to go to any musters for a couple of days. That’s not all. For the last five days I’ve been waking up with migraine headaches. I haven’t been getting much sleep which has made me irritable. The doctor said that it was probably because of the cold snap (it snowed the other day). In the same sentence he said that it might lead to a brain aneurism. I think he was (I hope he was) just trying to scare me. So, now I’m medically unemployed again.

Anyway today wasn’t a total loss. I went downstairs to visit G- (one bloke I do get on with) and he pulled out the lemon essence. Did you know it is 44% alcohol? We mixed some sugar & some hot water in it and got well and truly drunk. We were singing and laughing and the screws came to see what was happening. I stuck out my finger (which has a sore on it) and we told them that I was soaking it to clean it. After they had left we both cracked up and poured another round. I limped out of there at about 10 to 5, pissed as a fart, got my dinner & went back to my cell. My cellmate asked me if I had been washing in floor cleaner because I smelt like lemons.

So, that was my week. How’s yours? Say hello to M- & G- & A- & everyone else, including M-, and I’ll see you later.

Catch you on the flipside.


A man went into a hardware store and asked for a mousetrap. “Could you hurry! I’ve got a bus to catch,” the man said. “Sorry mate,” the shop assistant said, “they don’t make them big enough!”

(Yes I know it’s lame but they get better.)

Mark and Mick sat down to watch the wrestling one night. When an ad came on, Mark said to Mick “I heard on the news that Saddam Hussein has a $25 million bounty on his head!” Mick had a sip on his beer and said “With a chocolate bar that big, it can’t be long before they find that bastard!”

(Har! Har! Hardy! Har! Har!)

The girl looked deep into her boyfriends eyes and said “I have a confession to make. I’m bisexual.” “Fuck!” the bloke said. I need sex more than once every two weeks!”

Oh well! I hope you got a laugh from an old fart.


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