The Loadedog Diet

Anyone who knows me personally would attest to the svelteness of my figure which, despite advancing years, retains a passable likeness to images of famine-struck individuals from Eritrea, Ethiopia and the Melbourne Fashion Show.

Never having considered being a skinny freak as anything of an asset, it didn’t cross my mind that people might want to emulate me, but apparently it is so, as the following email I received from a secret admirer will attest;

Dear Loadedog

You’re a skinny bastard, that’s for sure. Do you eat anything or have you got worms or what?

Yours sincerely

Anon

How can I refuse? So, without further ado, let me present:

The Loadedog Diet

On waking (7am), arise from floor and assume position at computer desk. Light a cigarette. Smoke another three cigarettes while checking mail until morning poo arrives, then make a cup of tea. Smoke a couple more cigarettes, then drink another cup of tea and eat one half of one piece of partner’s left-over toast. Continue smoking and drinking tea or coffee in between morning poo’s two and three (and possibly four) until hunger pains, cramps and dizziness become unbearable, generally between 2 and 4pm.

Rush to kitchen and survey paltry food supplies, none of which will seem remotely edible. Make another cup of coffee and settle for the least repulsive and easiest prepared morsel available, which could be a tomato, a handful of nuts, the end of a packet of Barbecue Shapes, some cold roast potatoes, or another half of one piece of partner’s left-over toast.

Continue smoking and working, possibly drinking a pint of lemon barley cordial, until about five pm, when you must prepare your stomach for the evening. Make a more elaborate snack, possibly a ham and tomato sauce sandwich, some heated up left-overs, a frozen meat pie, a bowl of Weet Bix or a pan of popcorn.

When partner comes home, open two cold beers and sit around drinking and smoking for around three hours. Decide what you want for dinner. Slip down to the shops and acquire ingredients for a simple nutritious one-pot meal. Cook meal, grazing on ingredients as you go until, when the meal is cooked, you don’t really feel like eating.

Serve partner’s dinner, then continue drinking beer and smoking until midnight or so. Then, when the cramps begin again, serve yourself a entree-sized portion of re-heated meal.

Fall asleep on the floor.

Other than the above: eat whatever you find appealing whenever it presents itself, stop eating before you’re really full and don’t eat because you’re bored and you too can find yourself being mistaken for a junky (and/or super model), not being eligible for superannuation, unable to sleep on your side because your knees are too knobbly and a host of other apparently desirable things.

Good luck!

One Response to “The Loadedog Diet”

  1. Dear Loadedog,

    Your a funny, skinny bastard, that’s for sure.

    Yours sincerely